itscurtains | Love's no good but it sure beats the hurt

Love's no good but it sure beats the hurt

[That was... Christine can only call it the most horrible thing she's seen so far, with that familiar dread that says something worse may come. Four people have died. Four friends Christine had trusted in and relied upon. And four more people she cares about have turned into memories and painful reminders of her failure to do anything meaningful here.

And Christine wallows in that. God, does she wallow. But she also knows that those painful ghosts of the people she loved relied on her to keep getting back up when the world knocked her down. And she has to keep going, if only to honour there memories.

The note she slides under each person's door is very simple, the bright orange gel pen somehow seeming duller in the wake of mourning:]

Food is in the dining hall.
Please come have something, or I'll track you down in an hour and force feed you.
If there's anything at all you need, please come talk to me. We shouldn't have to suffer alone.
-Christine

[There's a few dishes Christine knows how to make: lo mein and beef stew, some simple sandwiches as well. There are almond cookies after the more filling foods are prepared.

Off to the side is a plate with a few dumplings and... what looks like mashed turnips? An odd combination, but they were Angus' favourite.

And Christine is true to her word. If you don't come in an hour, she'll find you. In fact, she makes rounds around the opera house pretty much every hour, checking each room, and... maybe singing softly to herself as she goes.]

O god,
I can't stay, I won't stay for things left unseen
I can't stay, I won't stay, this end has no means
I can't stay, I won't stay, you were just a dream
A sweet sweet dream
You were a dream
But not my dream...

[Speaking of dreams, someone should convince her to go to bed.]

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[Yeah, Jeremy doesn't show up at the party. If you thought Jeremy was gonna repair his relationship with Christine now that the SQUIP's gone that's a cute idea but also Jeremy Heere actually fucked up and I'm not letting him off the hook for it like canon.

Instead, he ends up in the movie room. He's watching the seminal movie musical classic . . . From Justin To Kelly. Actually he's sitting there and staring blankly at a screen that's playing From Justin To Kelly and eating red vines, but it's fine. Everything's fine.

He is, by the way, still wearing Michael's jacket.]

[He's... actually on his way to the chapel when he hears noise coming from the movie room. He... pokes his head in, and... hm.]

Do they help? [He nods to the red vines and opens his hand.]

Nope. [He hands one over anyway.] But I like to pretend they do.

[He settles in a seat nearby and... Attempts to eat the red vine. It's a bit harder to bite off than he'd expected.]

I keep trying to ask you inane questions about how you are feeling, and if you need anything. How does -- [He makes a small sound of frustration.]

I am not familiar with how to grieve.

Well, in the Jewish tradition we keep all our feelings right here [He gestures at the vague area where his heart would be.] then we get super depressed until there's a funeral. After that you go into gremlin mode and give up self care for a week. Then you're depressed again for a month and not allowed to do anything fun.

[He pauses.]

But mostly it's a personal thing, I guess. I don't know. I'm fucked up over stupid shit all the time so I just live like this.

[Congrats, Jeremy, you've managed to make him laugh for the first time since... all of that.]

Religion is a hell of a thing, isn't it? [He shakes his head.]

You were... I know today hurt. But you did well.

Yeah, I don't. I wouldn't classify that as "good."

[He would classify that as "a nightmare," honestly.]

Like, did. Did we get there? Yeah. Did I. Did I use the most dickish possible route there? Also yeah.

We're still alive. And... in the end, that's what she wanted.

[Still sucks though.]

I was... angry with you for picking at her like that.

I never try to do anything
I never meant to hurt anyone
I try, I try to be a good kid
A good kid
I'm not one

[Aren't you so glad you're getting a Good Kid verse of your very own, Mephisto? The :) Problem :) Has :) Always :) Been :) Him :)]

And no one ever need take my side
And you should all let me fall
I want, I want to be a good kid
But I'm good for nothing at all!

[Honestly, fuck the singing. It's helped him speak tonight, maybe, but he doesn't need it now.]

Do you think I give a damn about your "goodness," Jeremy? [he shakes his head.] Riley told us what she did, and I still would have given my life for her.

If you want someone to crucify you, you're going to need to find someone else. Whatever you've done, I won't be the one to hold it against you.

[That's a cute idea, and fucking hell, Christine needs it to happen. If she destroyed her relationships with the two teenagers she cared about more than anything, then... well, maybe she could have a chance to make better choices? But more likely she'd give up on having any glimmer of happiness ever again.

So, while Jeremy is in the movie theater, Christine is moving to sit next to him, holding out a sandwich silently.]

I'm pretending it's Yom Kippur and I'm fasting.

[He literally is eating a red vine as he says this, for the record.]

You're still eating candy. As your bodyguard, I should ensure you're eating proper meals. Come on.

[She isn't giving up.]

Can - please don't. Like. Like I tell you that I'm a fuck-up who decided that yeah, brainwashing the entire school is. Is a great way to get a girl to like you! [He's stopped eating the red vine in his hands and is instead tearing it into progressively smaller pieces.] And you. You're acting like. Like everything's fine? Everything's not fine. Everything's on fire.

And what else am I supposed to do, Jeremy?

[She doesn't sound angry, like she did at the trial. Maybe just... exhausted. And hurt.]

Maybe you're used to the, the stupid, typical dude patriarchal mentality of "suck it up and pretend it never happened" but I can't do that. You know for a fact that's not the way I work.

[Her hands are kind of all over the place. Most of the time, she seems to want to reach out for Jeremy's hand before pulling away.]

I need to talk about it. About all of my feelings. And I thought that's what you liked about me, but... but maybe only because I was saying things you liked to hear.

No, that's. That's what I'm saying! You. You just keep acting like. Like we're friends? We're not. We've never been friends.

[The fact that I have the entire Dear Evan Hansen libretto memorized is coming to bite me in the ass right now. It's appropriate, though. Jeremy gestures between them.]

This was just a sad invention
It wasn't real, you know
Make believe happy
I guess I couldn't let you go
I guess I couldn't give dreams up
I guess I wanted to believe
'cause if I just believed
then I don't have to see what's really there

[He laughs, sharp and wild. Fun fact, Christine: when you met him? At play rehearsal? That was a good day. A good moment. He's not really in a good moment right now.]

No, I'd rather pretend I'm something other than
These broken parts
Pretend I'm something better than
This mess that I am
'Cause then I don't have to look at it
And no one gets to look at it
No, I don't want you to see -

[His voice cracks on the last word and he looks away from her.]

We've... never...?

[Christine can't find the words. They're failing to come out. Yes, she usually says the wrong thing, or comes up with the wrong turn of phrase, but she's not one for being completely lost for words.

But right now? She doesn't have them. She just turns away from Jeremy, bringing her knees up on her seat to hug them.

After several minutes, she laughs softly.]

I guess that would make sense. I guess... everyone has always told me I'm so pushy and needy. It would make sense that my first friend isn't even a real one.

I've been told to slam on the brake
Before I even turn the key
But I still make the mistake
And I lead in with the parts of me
Normal people would never let you see...

[She's not normal, she knows that. And she thought she'd find someone to appreciate that about her, eventually, if she just kept going. If she just kept on shining.

But the spotlight was never meant to be on her. And maybe it's time she accepted that.]

[Howdy, Jeremy! Your stolen Nokia is receiving a text!]

yo

[Is this from the same number as the previous texts or a different number? Either way:]

whats up my days been garbage this might as well happen

ok
gotta be honest don't know what to do with that
my
friend????? acquaintance?????????????
the lady who saved me from the last three times I'm pretty sure you tried to kill me?

she said I should text you
sounded like a weird idea but like
she does basically only show up to save my life
so like ▯▯▯

like i said my name is jeremy and ive probs never tried to kill you

chris stole this phone from the phantom of the opera and weve been trapped in a garbage opera house where he forces us to kill ppl bc idk at this point im tired and i crave death

[It was a bad idea to let Jeremy keep the phone.]

that's a mood

[..........]

ok
well idk why weird lady would have me text the guy who keeps trying to kill me
p sure she doesn't like him
so let's say I believe you're not him

what the fuck???

idk man we wake up in this crusty af place and the phantom's like

"im yuor angle and yuor devil now do murder or ill murder u!"

and ofc were like wtf bro i aint like that but then he fucking THREATENS us so weve just been droppin like flies

today i voted to execute my sister so im like not in a great place mentally?

that's rough buddy

[look, Phone is not equipped for this]

so i'm not exactly into theatre but that doesn't sound like the phantom's normal thing?
thought that guy just dropped chandeliers and played the organ
and stalked women

its not i forget which of us found out hes got like. a boss?

p sure hes just as trapped here as we are not to get all tumblr loki stan bc i dont even remotely feel sorry for him just explaining the sitch

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cw: self loathing

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cw: suicidal ideation

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