CURTAIN CALL

[guardianofsplendor]

[Once all is said and done, the Leading Player turns her attention back to everyone else. She claps her hands once and the lights turn off and on in quick succession in an attempt to gain back everyone’s attention.]

Ladies! Gentlemen! Cast, crew, and audience alike! Under the usual genre conventions this would be where I would demand you vote to choose your fate, to stay with my troupe or have one of you sacrifice yourselves to the flames and bring this game to an end. However, you’ve all already made your votes clear and due to executive demand we’re obligated to present you with the ending you’ve earned by stealing my crew and forming a united front. You’re all real cute, with your private Plurks. [Wow, bitter much, LP?]

So enjoy your happy, sappy ending. I’m sure Denny’s will love having you. [She snaps her fingers and the fires in the pit finally extinguish.] Show’s over. Fastrada, get the others. Lewis, take the curtains, get the ghost lights, clean up the house. Berthe, take down the page since someone would rather go be a hermit handing out seeds to children than help me with CSS. And turn off the email notifications, I don’t even want to look at this!

[The remaining stagehands, those who didn’t respond to the cast’s attempts at friendship, look at each other and split off, posture a little downtrodden as they slink into the wings or the house. One of them starts to gather up the ghostlights from the side of the stage; another begins stripping the curtains.

The Player herself hops down from her platform, landing easily. For a moment, she stands looking down into the pit, posture tense. One hand rests on her hip; the other hangs at her side, still holding Hans’s winter coat.]

Charlemagne, get the throne.

[Still up there, the Balladeer sidesteps the stagehand as he comes to take the chair, and cautiously begins to make his way down the stairs. The Player pays him no mind; she takes a breath, straightens, and steps around the pit towards the apron.]

And as for all of you - [It’s not clear who she’s addressing now but it’s not the characters.] - we hope you’ve enjoyed your time with us, as participants or even simply as spectators. Hopefully you’ll join us the next time around. Unfortunately, I don’t think I will be. [She snaps her fingers and seemingly out of nowhere a hat and cane appear. The coat doesn’t fit the aesthetic, but she slings it over her shoulder nonetheless. The stagehands moving the platform away and taking down the lighting rigs part before her as she turns and strides upstage.]

I’m erasing myself from the narrative
Let future murdergame casts wonder
Where the Player went to
When she left the stage

Go turn your new page,
And I’ll watch this burn...

[She pauses before the last curtain, letting the orchestra continue the song without her for a few phrases.]

I forfeit my rights to all this. Whatever you took from my office, just give it to him. [She jerks her head towards the Balladeer.]

Let him have the memory
Of when this was ours…

...the world seemed to burn...

[Without looking back, she parts the curtain, steps through, and is gone. The remaining stagehands filter out a few moments later, leaving a bare stage and a quiet theatre behind them.

But, of course, there's still a little more magic to do, isn't there?]

Comments

[trettende]

It was the push I needed, one way or another. [ He pauses. ] Which sounds awful, I know.

[ She hasn't been here for Hans' Brutally Honest week, so her surprise is understandable.... ]

Last week was a really weird week for me. [ Putting it lightly... you guys would not believe the shit Hans has said. Out loud. ] I'm trying to tone down the lying and I, I guess true love is what brought the Balladeer's memories back so... I can't keep saying I don't believe in love. That'd be pretty hypocritical of me.

[ That sure never stopped him before! [

[robitussin]

Yeah, uh. Three guesses as to why it sounds awful, and the first two don't count.

[A beat.]

Oh, right, you making out with him is a thing that happened.

[trettende]

Death is a pretty awful "push," I know.

[ Look at you, admitting it, Hans! And yeah haha, still embarrassed about the making out thing, mostly because of the fact that it wasn't some fakeout or anything it was True Love. ]

That's... one way to put it, yeah. I mean it worked? And I'm in love with him. [ Incredible. ] So I guess that was 'a thing that happened.'

[robitussin]

I mean, yeah, but do you not see the bigger problem with this?

[She is admittedly curious, though, so:]

When did that happen?

[trettende]

With which part?

[ There were a lot of big problems admittedly, Hans has kind of lost track because he's self-centered. ]

Umm. [ So much for keeping a straight face tbh. There's the embarrassment back in full force. But hey, at least he's not screaming "shut up" like he did when Anna called him out. ]

Maybe two or three weeks ago? It's not like I realized until he died, but... the last week especially, with the Management lying to him and keeping him in the dark about the Mole, I just felt awful. Which is new for me. So that's how I knew.

1/2

[robitussin]

With the fucking - ohhh it was the push I needed so it's fine.

[she is doing her best santino fontana impression]

Like, that's great and all, except for the part where I don't care if it gave you a push because I literally got shot to death. It's not about you, dude.

[robitussin]

[...but also]

That was literally the first time you've ever felt bad about anything?

I mean, I shouldn't be surprised? But oh my god.

[trettende]

I mean, yeah, I told you it sounded awful.

[ Hans chuckles. He's a Disney villain, he's not supposed to be a balanced, normal person. And that was a pretty good impression. Wait till Hans hears about Crazy Ex-girlfriend somehow. Chuckling is probably not the right response. ]

Of course, I've felt bad since then... that just kind of opened the flood gates.

[robitussin]

It's not that it sounds awful, it's that it is awful! Jesus.

[Squints...]

Not even when you were like, four years old?

[trettende]

I'll keep that in mind?

[ Shrug? He tried. ]

I mean, I don't remember being four years old, but my earliest memories are of my brothers making fun of me and just generally being awful to me... so I had to get thick skin early on.

[robitussin]

Yeah, my parents neglected me for years and I didn't turn into a fucking horrible person. If you're going for pity points, you're not getting any.

[they're learning so much about each other]

[trettende]

[ Hans raises his hands in surrender. If she wants to have another go at him, she's free to. ]

That's now what I was doing. Trust me, I've played that card before. I would have led with the "twelve older brothers" thing if that's what I was going for.

[ This is Honest!Hans, he just has the added sound effect of sounding like an asshole no matter what he does. ]

I just meant-- I wasn't exaggerating, I'm an awful person and I became awful to survive where I grew up in. It's not like a well-adjusted person tries to commit murder.

[ This is how the bond, somehow? ]

For a long time I just told myself everyone was as awful as I was, so who cared if bad things happened to them? They probably deserved it. No one had ever been kind to me, so why should I be kind to them? That kind of thing.

Obviously, I know that's wrong now, but it's not like I can just undo twenty-three years of my life in a week.

[robitussin]

...What the hell, I thought you were like, thirty.

[Wait, not the point—]

I'm sorry, I don't really know why you're telling me this. It feels like you're slowly edging up to an apology, but at the same time that seems really unlikely based on, like, who you are as a person?

[trettende]

[ Rude....... ]

I guess...? [ Is this what apologies feel like. Yikes. ] Would you even care if I apologized at this point, with everything that's happened?

I'm obviously sorry you died. And I regret being the Mole, and at least not... helping people as much as I could have. I'm sorry.

[ He means it. But better late than never? No, Hans. No. ]

And when I heard about you and Jezebel, after everything... I don't know. Good luck with her?

[robitussin]

I mean, I wouldn't care, but I would be less furious and I might not punch you? Which still isn't off the table, just saying.

[A pause.]

I honestly don't know what to say now. I feel like this might be the weirdest conversation I've had here, and that's saying a lot?

[trettende]

I am sorry. For what little it's worth.

[ Incredible. What Hans is this and how is he here right now. ]

Yeah, I've... had some weird ones lately. You should have seen me last week, I was a... I was a mess. [ Buuut he knows you don't care so. ] I don't know a thing about relationships, so that's as far as I can really go.

Anyway, good talk.

[ Maybe he'll just... go. If she wants him to go. ]

[robitussin]

Wait.

[She pauses and Looks at him, and it almost seems like she's going to say something big - like she forgives him after all, or she accepts his apology...]

...If you're really sorry you should tell me more about the ways you were a complete mess.

[She cares to the extent that she can laugh at you. Sorry Hans.]

[trettende]

[ It's cool, he's not expecting that. He's mostly just trying to save face at this point because being awful Did Not Work Out for him... ]

Well, after the Balladeer died I basically called everyone in on a meeting to tell them I was the Mole. [ Here he go. ] I felt awful, it was obviously my fault the Management pulled this shit on him, so I wanted everyone to just cuss me out at that point.

[ oh snap, he cursed too. ]

Most of them didn't, but Anna-- well, I'm sure she'll tell you, but she basically cornered me and got me to admit that I was in love with the Balladeer the entire time and... I spent almost every night... crying.

[ He sighs. That was a lot and he hates himself for admitting it out loud, but she did kind of die and he voted for her, so she deserves to... make fun of him. Probably. ]

Feel any better now?

[robitussin]

[A solemn nod.]

I'm going to ignore everything you just said that has to do with death so I can properly enjoy this moment.

[At least that means she's not gaining enjoyment from him crying over his formerly dead boyfriend?? In a way??]

[trettende]

[ Thanks, Natalie.... Thanks. ]

Also, you'll probably enjoy this.

[ Because why not, right? Put another nail in his coffin. ]

Anna punched me twice in the last week alone. First when I said I was the mole, [ not quite ] and a second time when I showed her some of my old correspondence with the Leading Player. I was. Not kind, to say the least.

[robitussin]

Wow, you not being kind. A shocker.

[Places her chin in a hand. Why is she like this.]

Anybody else, or just her?

[trettende]

I know, right?

[ Aw, he actually... joked a little at his expense, he's growing up. ]

Um, no it's been mostly her. Though I think Winslow still hates me a lot, he attacked me a few weeks ago but that was before this whole mess.

[ Which is. Awkward. Considering Hans and Seymour are actually really good friends? ]

[robitussin]

Ooh. Why did he attack you?

[why are they bonding over this in a weird way]

[trettende]

He found out I lied about Anna.

[ Is this really... how they settle their differences... incredible. ]

Well, he found out I was engaged to Anna and then kind of ruined that engagement by trying to kill her and her sister, so the song he'd been writing me to "win her over" was pretty much entirely built on a lie.

[robitussin]

I mean. I guess I can't really blame him.