Third Trial

[stagemanagers]

[Once again, the sound of opening doors echoes through the opera house as the investigation draws to a close.

Time for your third trial.

The courtroom looks the same as ever, save that Darla and Eliza's podiums are now arranged in the same funerary fashion as the other deceased cast members. The lights from the bulbs standing in their places seem to cast the rest of the house even more in shadow, even as the crystal chandeliers still glitter dimly above. The Balladeer is hidden backstage once more, somewhere behind the red curtain drawn shut across the stage. Once everyone's taken their places, he speaks up.]

Alright. Let's do this.

Comments

MACHINE GUN SONG BATTLE - THE ELEGANT CAPTAIN HOOK

[blackstache]

[The situation is definitely not in Hook's favor right now, and he fans himself to keep him from sweating. Suddenly, excitement springs across his face, and he bursts to life.

With a Disney song, no less.]

Yo ho, yo ho!
Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho!
So I've tried the life of a thief!
I've relished the life of a crook!
But I digress
I must confess
This wasn't Captain Hook
The world's most famous crook

Now you should listen to me today
Because what I say is true
There's not a single bruise on me
That's very clear to see
Our culprit will have some money in the bank
If you lynch me, and I'll be frank
If you vote wrong, we'll walk the plank!

The choice is up to you!
The choice is up to you!

[SEA SHANTY SONG BATTLE START]

[solomonjihad]

Yo ho ho
You haven't shown us that, though!
Besides, you sleaziest sleaze
You might have forgot because of
your time on the seven seas
which gave you
your social disease!

[S y p h i l i s Hook]

[blackstache]

Captain Hook does not have syphilliiiiiissssss.

[Hook completely breaks the tune to stretch out that final baritone 'syphillis']

[solomonjihad]

You don't know the difference
between Billy and Balladeer
How do we know you forgot
and what else you've forgotten here?

That sounds like syphilis!
Besides, talking about cash
On Wednesday you tried to rob us
Don't you remember being brash?

[blackstache]

Yo ho, yo ho,
Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho!
That was a prank you see!
Just a jolly joke played by me.

Do you really think
I'd throw my hook in the rink
Too low for even Hook
The world's most famous crook!

[solomonjihad]

...

Yes. Yes I do.

[blackstache]

You clearly have no faith in Hook
The world's most famous crook!

[solomonjihad]

No.

You mentioned not moving Ms. Hamilton
And you not owning the poison.
But you don't have to own the weapon or move the body!
You forgot to promise that you didn't murder either one -
so your excuse is shoddy!

[blackstache]

[He sweats, and adjusts his wig again. He rubs the sweat off of his forehead.]

Hook never breaks a promise!
That much is very true.
So here's another one for you!

I didn't harm a hair on either of their heads!

[catliketread]

Technically, that doesn't cover poison.

[blackstache]

I wouldn't even know where to get poison! I haven't been to that bloody merchandise booth once!

[catliketread]

That's the part I'm stumped by, honestly. But unfortunately where you got the poison is not quite as important as proving your innocence, is it? So! Can you prove that you didn't kill them? Can anyone account for your whereabouts last night?

[blackstache]

Hook has no allies here! Save for Billy, perhaps.

[catliketread]

...Is that where you got the poison? From the Billydeer?

[blackstache]

No, I clearly meant the other one!

[solomonjihad]

...You didn't HAVE to harm a hair on their heads.
Not if with arsenic they were already dead!
So promise me now
If your innocence is true
And breaking a promise is voodoo
You had nothing to do
With killing Darla and Eliza, too!

[Japanese play STOMP AND SNAP POINT]

PROMISE!

[blackstache]

Hook can't be forced into promises! That would be bad form!

[solomonjihad]

And killing those two...wasn't bad form?

[Seriously between the syphilis and the promise thing unless something super crazy happens she's just. focusing on you Hook]

I'm not forcing anything but the truth.
But.

The choice is up to you.

[blackstache]

I did not lay a finger on either of them!

[robitussin]

...What about a hook?

[inforapenny]

Here's how I think it happened!

You thought you'd make it rich,
To new lows you would sink,
So you mixed up poisoned icing
And then made it tempting pink

Then you smeared it on some cookies
Placed where she was sure to go
and you waited there for her to
take the bait and eat them whole

But though she had no mother sweet
So someone did then find you there
And she tried to stop your wicked deed
So you smashed a teacup in her hair!

And then that little girl came by
and of the cookies did partake
she took a bite and died!

[blackstache]

Me thinks I see a spark, a gleam, a glimmer of a plan
But it's one concocted by another man
Kill the mother, kill the girl and it's Hook that you'll blame
But when you vote wrong, you'll all be feeling shame

Hook never breaks a promise, so here's another:
I promise the poison isn't mine and I didn't move the mother
Hey!

[dechagny]

[Oh you bet he's getting in on this as he puts his clothes back on. Also, your tune? Screw you, Hook, Raoul's feeling something completely different.]

Show us your proof or a coward you'll be
Captain Hook the Pirate!

Blast it all to hell and back
Show that you're clear of blue and black
No scratches, no marks, and we'll give no flack
Though I shan't like it

[Pause.] Frankly, because you're an annoying twit.

Even from that
You could not pin this crime on me
I've laid myself out to see
That the Madame I did not harm

Come, off with your coat!
Your shirt as well, reveal yourself
If you're free of guilt
You have nothing to hide!

[blackstache]

[Grumbling, Hook begins to disrobe! He adjusts his wig, and locks of hair fall in front of his face. He's clean with his shirt off, and has no marks or bruises there. Immediately, he puts them back on once Raoul is satisfied.]

Yar har, fiddle dee dee
If you have two eyes, you'll see
I have no bruises!

if you don't mind backtags I feel we at least should finish the song

[dechagny]

[Nope, never satisfied. Wrinkly old man chest is a blatant turn off, sorry to say.]

Bah! 'Tis nothing!

Next up, your wig is what you should doff
Don't say it isn't fake, at that I scoff
Goddamn it man, take the thing off
Lest you conceal some scratches!