itscurtains | Is This Where You Wanna Be? Crawling On Your Hands and Knees?

Is This Where You Wanna Be? Crawling On Your Hands and Knees?

[In a perfect world, Maya would have been able to isolate herself for the rest of the evening. It's not like her to wallow in her feelings, but it's also not like her to be trapped away in a murder school or part of an execution so... not like she has much choice there. Besides, between the influence of Janis, and the sight of her remaining dormmates, it's clear that Maya simply can't... let things go.

It's like she told the SQUIP. They look to her for hope. And so, hope she must be. It's her job to stand tall for the others. Thankfully help comes easier this time -- there's no need to scruff Discord, or try to keep Spongebob from making Hate Patties. Maybe that, in and of itself, is a good sign.

It's just another fluke. They'll be okay. They're together, after all. Even Salieri and Discord are getting along well enough to help.

Cutting potatoes proves to be an interesting task, considering the fact that most of the knives are missing. Maya has a few guesses as to how that happened, but she won't point fingers again today. She makes do with what she has -- two swords between her and Cassandra.

Potatoes, cakes, pies -- the arrangement is much the same. There's even cocoa (made by less experienced hands, unfortunately), and alcohol. It all feels like a repeat of last week, but she's trying to not think about it. She does her best to keep a smile on her face as she knocks on each door, inviting others to the cafeteria once more.]

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...no. I don't.

[And it does sound like he's being genuine when he says he doesn't know. He's...gotten a memory since then that could hint at it, but it just...doesn't seem like enough, maybe. He's not sure, he feels like getting into that now would make things too complicated.

Maybe he's just too scared to. This is already hard enough as it is. This isn't a lie either way- he doesn't know the specifics.]

I've been trying to figure out...what it could be. I thought maybe it was faked, since that's what everyone had been assuming, but...then we all had those dreams. ...those memories returning.

[He shakes his head a little, looking into his lap.]

...I just wanted to apologize for not telling you sooner. Even if I don't know for sure what it means, it's still...

[Bad.]

You have nothing to apologize for, Varian.

[Right, those dreams... she still shivered every time she remembers hers, and the feeling of slowly freezing solid deep down in the dark. It hurts to think that this could be linked to the picture she saw, of Anna crying, alone in the dark.

She wants to believe it's all fake. That it's some attempt by the Wizard to demoralize them. To break them. But it had felt so real...]

Believe me, I know what it's like to hide things like that from other people. [Her powers, what happened in her past... even here, nobody knows about the terrible things she's done.] It's not... bad, at least not with this. You're not doing this to manipulate anyone or to get away with things you did. You're just... worried, aren't you?

[It's better to say "you're just scared", but she doesn't want to call the poor kid out like that. That could only make things worse.]

[Honestly? Both of those answers are correct for how Varian has been feeling about this. Worried...scared. It's all been wrapped up into one awful package of confused paranoia that he's mostly been keeping on the backburner while everything else falls apart all around them constantly.

Elsa probably is starting to get a glimpse now as to why he hadn't wanted Cassandra to know right away about what his photo contained. She could easily confirm it's validity, and that's...not a fun thing to know, is it? That you went to prison for some unknown crime.]

Yeah. I mean, it's not like there's...really anything I can do about it.

[Sure, it's upsetting, but it seems there might be a chance he could prevent it, if what he's seeing is a future event. Maybe...]

I can't imagine I would do anything on purpose that would lead to that. That's just what I don't understand about it.

[He didn't think he was that kind of person.]

[There's a long period of silence after Varian speaks, as Elsa turns his words over in his head. Not because she's trying to understand what could happen - all of this is too vague to even begin to try and think of a reason why he'd be arrested like that - but because... she wants to say something. Something that everyone who lives in Arendelle and probably many other kingdoms would have at least heard about, but something she's still too ashamed to admit. However far along she's come in accepting herself and her powers, there will always be that one dark stain on her past, something she can never completely ignore or move on from.]

Did you know... on the night of my coronation, I set a curse on Arendelle and was branded a m- a witch?

[She almost says monster, but there's still. Too much behind that word. Her chest still tightens too much whenever she tries to use it, even when she doesn't even really consider herself such anymore.]

...what?

[She...set a curse on her own Kingdom? It's no doubt that Corona has probably heard this story, but Varian lives on the fringes of the Kingdom. Information like that comes to them a bit slower, and oftentimes the full story doesn't reach Varian's ears specifically.

This though...he hasn't heard about this.]

What happened? That...it was an accident, right?

It was, but nobody knew that. Nobody except my sister.

[Elsa takes a deep, slow breath; in through the nose, out through the mouth. It's rough, talking about this. Even when it was just her and Anna, during late night sleepovers or nights where one of them had a nightmare and the other came to her comfort. A part of her is even nagging her that this is a really bad idea but... no. This isn't about her - this is about Varian. This is to show him that the angle of what happens is what really matters, that things like this can always be a misunderstanding.]

I'd always kept my powers a secret from everyone. I thought that they'd be afraid, that they'd... they'd be angry, and turn that anger on me. [She hadn't thought that as a child. She always thought her magic was just something fun that she could use to make her sister happy. It was only after that fateful night that things changed....] So nobody knew. Not until my coronation, when my sister and I had an argument. I felt cornered, anxious... so I yelled at her. And when I lashed out, my magic reacted. It formed a wall of spikes, and as I ran away in fear of those who'd seen what happened, I could hear them yelling things at me. Sorcerer, witch, monster...

[She still hears the echoes of those voices, sometimes. Not often, but they come to her on the bad nights, still.]

My magic... reacts badly, when I'm afraid. Something in the air changed, and it just kept getting colder, and colder, until Arendelle was buried under a raging blizzard.

[Sorcerer, witch, monster...

Varian feels his chest tighten, painfully. The flash of his memory of that photo is still fresh in his mind; hell, the photo itself remains on his person, folded up tight in the pocket of his overalls. He hadn't yet been able to bring himself to destroy it. He needed the proof that it wasn't something he'd imagined or dreamed...he can see it with his own two eyes.]

Elsa...I had no idea.

[Unsurprisingly. She hasn't told anyone this...he's surprised she even trusts him enough to tell it, after what he'd told her.

A misunderstanding...]

But...you were able to undo it though, right? Surely...

[Surely, they would know what befell Arendelle over in Corona, if she hadn't.]

[In a way, it's better to tell someone like Varian this instead of someone else from home. He's a kid, he's worrying about his own goodness in a way Elsa struggled with for years... she has less to fear from his judgement than, say, Salieri or Discord. Adults tend to bring up more... complicated feelings on things like this.]

I did, yes. Anna helped me figure out the key to calming my magic, and we were able to banish the curse and return Arendelle to summer. But not before a group of ambassadors who had been in the kingdom for my coronation agreed that I should be executed for treason.

[Executed. It's.... one of the first times she's really said that out loud. She doesn't like talking about it, and she's seen the hurt, horrified looks on Anna's face the few times she's brought it up since that day.]

They'd tried to paint me as a monster, something that had to be chained up and put to the sword. But I was just scared, terrified of hurting people more than I already had. So... so something like what you've seen... perhaps there's more to it. And perhaps things will work out in the end.

[Executed.

The word rings sharply in Varian's ears, so loud despite Elsa only calmly speaking it that he physically cannot hear the words immediately after. He saw her mouth moving- treason- but the rest just...

It's hard for Varian not to look horrified, too. Not just for the thought of Elsa having to go through that either.

Perhaps there's more to it...perhaps...

...there's always the chance there isn't.

Varian shifts and puts his hands in his lap, mostly to keep himself from wrapping his arms around his torso. He doesn't want it to look that obvious that he's freaking out inside.]

I really want to believe that, Elsa.

[He whispers, as if he's afraid someone passing by might hear.]

I don't...I've messed up, a lot. My inventions have almost hurt people, but it was never on purpose. I wouldn't ever do something to hurt someone like that.

You believe me...right?

[It may not be obvious that he's freaking out, but Elsa knows the little tells. She knows the way you force your shoulders to be square, so that you don't fold in on yourself. She knows the ways people will hold themselves so that they're not holding themselves. She knows all the signs of someone who wants so desperately to fall apart but not wanting anyone to see.

And she knows how, though she would try so hard to push people away, all she wanted was someone to be there for her. So with only slight hesitation, she reaches up to hug Varian.]

Of course I believe you. It would be hypocritical if I didn't.

[Their situations may not be identical, but they're similar enough that she understands his inner conflict. She'd struggled a lot, in the months after her coronation. She'd wanted to believe those people had a point, and they were justified in calling her a monster. But Anna had helped her get her head on straight, and had helped her realize that what they said wasn't true. That Elsa, someone who believed that she should be perfect at all times, was allowed to make mistakes. That you didn't have to damn yourself, even if these mistakes got out of control.]

I can't just... let that change my mind about you, Varian. In moments like this, when you feel like you're lost and that you might be the monster people think you are... that's when you most need people at your side. The people who see you for who you truly are, and who will help support you no matter what.

[He's being hugged. She's hugging him. The Queen of Arendelle is comforting him, a boy who may very well be a criminal, locked up over a crime he can't remember committing. She's treating him so kindly, yet...he's not sure he expected her not to? Elsa has already proven herself to be incredibly inviting and understanding, but...

Part of him still feared the worst. Even moreso given the fact he's been keeping this from her, like it's a terrible secret he can't ever tell.

He's always been so reverent with royalty, Rapunzel in particular, but he can't stop himself from reflexively reaching out to hug her in return, hiding his face against her shoulder. He can feel all sorts of emotions welling up in his chest, fit to burst...

He's not going to cry. He can't. But he's realizing when he attempts to speak, if a single word leaves his mouth, he's probably going to, isn't he?

Varian grips her a little tighter, breath hitching.]

T...thank you...

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Is This Where You Wanna Be? Crawling On Your Hands and Knees?

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