itscurtains | And you can't pull me down

[Benjamin was originally coming to the kitchen to clean up the empty teacup he'd taken Maya, but the minute he steps in he hears Bruiser whining, and sees Angus sitting there, and he feels...

She was his reason and his life,
And she was beautiful...

He sets the teacup on the first available table and goes over to Angus, scooping up Bruiser and taking his chair with the little dog settled in his lap, reaching over and putting his hand on the back of Angus' chair.]

I... God, Angus...

I know. I know what you're feeling.

[The tears are wiped away with a sleeve, but they are quickly replaced.]

She wasn't...it wasn't because of her memory...

[He chokes and - smiles? - it's a relaxed expression of relief. He didn't fail her, she didn't die miserable, she wanted to help--]

Elle thought she could end this! She wanted to save us at the cost of her life, but she did not have to... [Their last kiss. She was so happy. She knew that he would be alone the next day. And here is he, missing three people he loved.]

[Neither God nor man could judge Angus for his tears right now, and Heaven knows Benjamin has shed enough to float an ark.

What Angus says makes him freeze, his blood going cold. He had missed Maya's explanations, her excuses, like all sound and conversation was occurring far above him and he was sinking ever deeper underwater.

Said she took the poison, she did-

Benjamin's gaze goes distant and he says nothing for a moment, his grip tightening on the back of Angus' chair.

Poor thing! Poison left her weak in the head-

It's Bruiser, licking his fingers, that snaps him back to the present.]

She was a brave woman, then, as well as a foolish one. We would have found a way to manage without sacrifice.

[Does he mean that? He isn't sure. But then, he's not fully present anymore, either.]

...Perhaps it was a kindness, what happened after. If she had already taken them.

[Angus doesn't notice how long Benjamin stands there, being busy wiping away his tears to clear his throat. Elle was selfless, but foolish. Why did she think she could sacrifice herself for this? Did she not believe that they could find a way to undo the spell?]

...Why wasn't I with her? [Each week, he wonders what he could have done differently. Each week, he considers his worries unnecessary. Peregrine told him that he could not fix everything alone, but Elle trusted him. She would listen to him.] How long does nightshade take to kill someone? What if I could have saved her?

[He thought nothing of her disappearance last night. They didn't sleep in the same bed all of the time. Everything would always be alright, like it always was. They were there for each other, supporting their partner through their low points, never abandoning each other.

Elle wanted a fairy tale ending. Why couldn't Angus have his?]

Once my life was plain and clear
I recall
Once my ignorance was bliss
Nightfall came
Like a serpent's kiss
To my troubled mind

Why my God
Have you abandoned me
In my sobriety
Behind the old facade
I'm your bewildered child
So take me cross the river wide

Binding promises were made
On my soul
Grand illusions lead astray
Ice cold winds swept my heart away
Bring me back to you

[Benjamin is quiet again. Even if it hadn't been Maya who found her, or if Maya had been aware enough to help instead of... what she did. Was it too late? With the meager tools at their disposal, would even Peregrine have been able to pull off that miracle? Or would Elle's body have survived, but precious little else of what made her actually Elle?

How long did Lucy wait for him, before she decided to take the poison?

-Should have been in hospital, wound up in Bedlam instead, poor thing-

Angus' voice is soft and mournful. The words barely reach Benjamin, lost in his own thoughts as he was. At least Orpheus and Eurydice were together. At least Discord and Antonio were together. At least Varian and Rina were together.

Who spares a thought for the widowers, when all is said and done?]

At least they're still here with us. Watching over us.

If we can't bring them back the way that you were, or Farrah was, then...

[He's not used to this, to being the voice of hope and reason. But Orpheus isn't here, any longer. The burden of hope can't be left to Spongebob alone.

If Antonio could try and keep morale high, while fighting his own inner demons, then so could he. So must he.]

...We'll keep looking until we find another way.

Edited 2021-07-11 17:10 (UTC)

[Angus folds his letter gently and tucks it into his shirt pocket. He taps against his shape through the fabric, holds a fist over his heart. Her words will remain here here forever.

It's odd. When others died, he went to Orpheus. When he and Elle began dating, he ran to her. With both of them gone, he has to find another source of comfort. He has gone to support Mr. Barker in the beginning, and now he is repaying the favor.]

...Would she be happy to see me like this? Can she expect that I move on so easily?

...I think she would be sad, was sad, to know that she was hurting you. She thought the good that would come of it, ending the fever and setting us free, would make that hurt easier to bear.

I think she'll be very happy to see you again. Whether that takes days, or weeks, or years. I expect she knows she's not the kind of woman who's easily forgotten.

[He hesitates, running his hand down Bruiser's back and scratching at his tail end when the chihuahua shoves it up into his hand.]

...My wife, Lucy, took poison. To keep herself away from the man who sent me away, I suspect. While I was slaving away in a prison colony.

If she wrote a note, I never got to read it. If she thought of me as she did it, I'll never know. But if she wanted me to move on... Well. I didn't.

[Bruiser uses the extra few inches of being in Benjamin's lap to jump up onto the table and proudly trot in front of them. Benjamin ruffles the little dog's ears with two fingers.]

You'll see Elle again, Angus. If it's the last thing I do.

...Her life wasn't worth all that. We could have found a way to stop them. We were working together, staying together. We- she wasn't afraid of another incident like with SpongeBob and Farrah, did she?

[She wanted to die instead of helping out? Was that all? Did she really believe that her existence was no major loss?]

Your wife...I'm sorry, Ser Barker. She must have been in great despair when you were gone. She must have loved you dearly. [Yet she also believed death was the better of two choices.]

How long has it been since then?

...The fever made us all believe foolish things.

[Is all he has to say in Elle's defense. Even with Maya spared, and victory ripped from the Wizard's claws, the world seems dimmer, for the loss of Elle.

He takes a deep, steadying breath and leans forward, folding his hands on the table.]

Since she took the poison? Fifteen years. Give or take. We were married for only two and a half years, before I was sent away. Our daughter wound up the ward of the man who had...desired my Lucy.

The poison alone didn't kill her. She was still alive, when I returned to England after fifteen years. But it destroyed her mind. Left her raving mad, a beggar woman wandering the streets like a bloody Ophelia.

[His voice takes on a dark tone, as he recounts the tale. But from that much, at least, what he meant when he said perhaps it was a mercy that Elle was killed, if she had taken poison, should be apparent.]

[Only two years...one month was too little, an a year would not be enough. They were barely married when they were torn apart. Benjamin is an older man who lost much of his life because of a wicked scoundrel.]

What of your daughter? Was she well? Did she remember her mother?

[Angus has no children, he doesn't know how much a father can love a daughter. But if she is well...does that make up for Lucy?]

Neither Lucy nor I had living parents. With Lucy...incapable of caring for Johanna, she was taken in as a ward by the very man who sent me away.

She was only... about a year old, at the time. I doubt she remembered much of me or her mother. The Judge would have seen to that, I'm sure.

Miss Hester gave me a photograph of her, back when I first remembered that I was a father. She was dressed very nicely, very well taken care of. When I remembered my imprisonment, I thought... perhaps Lucy couldn't wait any longer. Perhaps she found someone new, remarried.

I never could have imagined the truth.

[He has a feeling where this might be going. It's going to be terrible, something that drove this man to despair. Lucy remarrying would be a happy end. Would Elle be happy, knowing that Angus was happy with someone else?]

He took your daughter away.

Your only family.

...Please tell me this doesn't end in her death as well. [Let Mr. Barket have some happiness.]

No, it doesn't. As far as I know, Johanna is alive and safe. I know the boy she's with, now. He loves her to the ends of the earth. Everything a father could want in a son-in-law.

[Thinking of Anthony makes him remember Orpheus, as well, and pain strikes his heart. But there's a fondness there, as well as grief. Anthony was naive, foolish, but he had done what Benjamin hadn't. He had rescued Johanna.

She was no less out of his reach, but at least he knew she would be happy and loved.]

[Angus relaxes. It's some small comfort for a man that has done through so much.]

...How do you manage it, Mr. Barker? How do you live on without your wife? [Yes, Angus isn't married, but Elle has become his other half, if unofficially. He had promised to keep his princess safe and happy - whatever is his going to tell her parents?] I know, it is not the same. We only met less than two months ago, you were together for years. [He waves a hand.] Forgive my nosiness.

[Benjamin shakes his head, dismissing the apology.]

...Truthfully? I didn't. Not really. Imagine returning home after fifteen years of backbreaking labor, only to be told that your wife was dead, your daughter abducted and raised by another man. I was a dead man walking, long before I surrendered my life.

No... It's not the same at all. And I'm glad of that, I don't believe any man should have to bear this pain.

Nothing but the moment...
Just that awful moment...
When something just...

How do you go on, after losing your soul's other part? I don't know. But I hope that you're strong enough to find out.

And you can't pull me down

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