Well... You're right. Either of those things would have been a better choice than what you did.

But people rarely make the right choices when they're in pain. We're just animals that way; we lash out and hurt others, or turn around and hurt ourselves. Six of one, half-dozen of the other.

[A good man isn't one who never makes mistakes, it's one who makes it right.]

...You know better now, don't you. That there are people still alive, who love and care about you just as much as the ones we've lost.