Ah, my finest hour.

[ She exhales. ]

So there I am, in eighth grade. My best friend, Regina George, insists I'm a lesbian. I know I'm a lesbian, mostly. But she's just looking for a reason to ditch me. And I know, as soon as she says it, that it's going to work. I have no idea what to say. So I say the first thing I think of, which is a mistake.

[ She clears her throat: ]

I am a space alien and I have four butts!

My sparkling wit you like so much had not exactly blossomed yet. And it wasn't even true - I only have the one.