Is This Where You Wanna Be? Crawling On Your Hands and Knees?

[mayavericks]

[In a perfect world, Maya would have been able to isolate herself for the rest of the evening. It's not like her to wallow in her feelings, but it's also not like her to be trapped away in a murder school or part of an execution so... not like she has much choice there. Besides, between the influence of Janis, and the sight of her remaining dormmates, it's clear that Maya simply can't... let things go.

It's like she told the SQUIP. They look to her for hope. And so, hope she must be. It's her job to stand tall for the others. Thankfully help comes easier this time -- there's no need to scruff Discord, or try to keep Spongebob from making Hate Patties. Maybe that, in and of itself, is a good sign.

It's just another fluke. They'll be okay. They're together, after all. Even Salieri and Discord are getting along well enough to help.

Cutting potatoes proves to be an interesting task, considering the fact that most of the knives are missing. Maya has a few guesses as to how that happened, but she won't point fingers again today. She makes do with what she has -- two swords between her and Cassandra.

Potatoes, cakes, pies -- the arrangement is much the same. There's even cocoa (made by less experienced hands, unfortunately), and alcohol. It all feels like a repeat of last week, but she's trying to not think about it. She does her best to keep a smile on her face as she knocks on each door, inviting others to the cafeteria once more.]

Comments

much later

[fourbutts]

[ Janis is going to silently sort of. Arrive. ]

Hey, Per.

[comeandfindme]

[ Peregrine goes still. ]

What? [ Her voice sounds raw. The deerskin's stretched over the back of the chair, to dry...but it's still got a spot of red on it. ] What is it?

[fourbutts]

I just, you know, wanted to...

[ Come and find you. ]

Check on you.

[comeandfindme]

I'm great.

[ Her hands cover her face, holding tight. ]

That what you wanna hear?

[fourbutts]

I'm not some middle-aged lady from Minnesota who gets scared when teenage girls are pissed, Per. The truth doesn't have to be nice.

[comeandfindme]

[ That might make her laugh usually but it doesn't, now. ]

...I'm awful.

[fourbutts]

Yeah? How come?

cw: suicide discussion

[comeandfindme]

'Cause Connor.

[ ... ]

He told me...he told me he remembered...trying, before. Just like the SQUIP did it. And I told him, I said— ...I said...he could... That we could...help each other.

[ ... ]

After all that... I couldn't...do a single thing for him.

cw: suicide discussion

[fourbutts]

[ Janis listens to that, turns it over. ]

Per, if... if you couldn't stop this, no one could have. But even if this is how things ended up, I'm sure you still helped him. Just because this happened, doesn't mean you didn't help him.

cw: suicide discussion

[comeandfindme]

[ Quietly: ]

I wanted to help him more.

[fourbutts]

[ Also quietly: ]

Yeah. I know, Per.

[ And she will just. Put an arm around Peregrine's shoulders, if she'll allow it. ]

cw: parental abuse

[comeandfindme]

[ Peregrine doesn't move away. ]

I don't...think even his family...wanted to help him. They just— they just wanted him...to be happy.

They were just like the SQUIP.

cw: parental abuse

[fourbutts]

Sometimes parents can be real bastards.

[ #fuckmrandmrsmurphy!!! ]

[comeandfindme]

He didn't— he couldn't even— he didn't think he could cry, without—

And it was like that, it's been like that, since my brother— since Jacob died, no one wants us to- to feel something.

[ She swallows. Her hands fall from her face, but she still stays there slumped. ]

They said we had to
Push through the pain
Push hard through the pain till we're fine.
But I could see all his sorrow,
Held him close for protection.
A man who the world should've saved.

[ She looks up, and she scoffs. ]

Pain won't help,
They think.

I know...
Hurt is real!

[ Her shoulders shake. She trembles. And yet— ]

Now, I need to feel all the ache I can feel!

I wanted to sit
In the dark with him,
In the dark with him,
Let him revisit his tears never cried!

In the dark with him,
In the dark with him,
No one and nothing would break through the darkness inside!

[fourbutts]

[ Janis winces, then sort of. Puts her other arm around Peregrine, too. ]

Hey, it's... I'm here.

[comeandfindme]

[ She shakes, but, as before, she doesn't shy away from the touch. ]

He- it felt like, with Connor— like he understood. Like- like we could understand each other. Like...I could help him! I could do something, to- to make sure I didn't...lose someone else.

[fourbutts]

Sometimes, we don't... we don't control that. I'm sure he appreciated...

[ She is, unfortunately, a little out of her depth at the moment, so she cools it on the words. ]

[comeandfindme]

But we don't know that!

[ Her voice raises. ]

That's the problem, right? Everyone- everyone kept assuming...how Connor felt or...what he might do— even me! Even everyone back home, apparently! But we can't know! We can...never know now.

[ She stands, though her legs wobble from just how much she's put them through. Despite that, she starts to climb the bleachers again, more with each word. ]

There was something so pure
How he looked at me.
Like our heartache might find some reprieve.
All dismissals I heard turned to dust with his words,
Now my heart's filled with doubt,
But I'll tune it all out and believe...

[ Higher. Higher. Breathing harder. The song echoes through the gym. Like she's daring someone to stop it. ]

I want to believe!

In the dark...!
In the dark!!
Bound in a blanket of soothing despair!

In the dark with him,
In the dark with him!

[ Descending a step at a time. ]

No one and nothing can break through...
No one and nothing can break through the darkness!
No, there's nothing can breath through—!!

[ It's that point where her shaky legs fail her. Where she misses a step down, and she stumbles. ]

[fourbutts]

[ Luckily, Janis catches the wobble early. So when she misses the step, she's there to catch Peregrine, which... sidebar she's more in shape than she says she is? Huh. Must just be the jacket. ]

Peregrine, I...

[ There's another melody, small and slow. ]

We need some light.
First of all, we need some light.
You can't sit here in the dark
And all alone...

[comeandfindme]

[ Having gotten quite wrapped up in the song, Peregrine looks amazed that Janis is still there, let alone that she caught her. ]

It's a...sorry sight.

[ She bites her lip before she can sing anymore. ]

[fourbutts]

It's not just you and me
We'll live, you'll see.

[ She smiles, just a little. ]

Things aren't okay tonight. That's okay. They probably won't be great tomorrow, either. Not to just... parrot my therapist, here, but healing takes time. But, to speak your language for a second: Connor would want you to set the broken bone, right? It won't heal the same it was before, but... it'll heal some way.

[comeandfindme]

[ Peregrine's eyes shine with tears. She doesn't want to assume what Connor wants. It seems like a lot of people've done that, and it's not fair to him, but— ]

I just... I just don't wanna lose anyone else.

[fourbutts]

I know. Me neither. And that's the thing we gotta work towards.

[comeandfindme]

[ Her shoulders slump a little. ]

Thanks for...you know. For making sure I didn't fall flat on my face.

[ It would not have been flat, it would've been down the whole bleachers and rather unfortunate, so, ]

[fourbutts]

Anytime. No one deserves to- very few people deserve to fall down a full flight of stairs.